You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
6: are snakes just neck?