Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
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so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
12. I think about this all the damn time
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.