It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson