It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Anime is real
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.