You Might Also Like
This is Sparta
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?