For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
You Might Also Like
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”