I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
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I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.