Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.