I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
You Might Also Like
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.