Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
These dogs look like they have good credit.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣