I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
this is uni
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?