If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.