Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.