Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Um … Hot Wings please
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be