Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
oh my god
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
next question.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.