Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
no cat here
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.