ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”