Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
huge if true: the moon
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?