I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.