Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
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You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Pizza is an emotion right?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory