I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
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Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.