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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.