Me trying to “trust the process”
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions