Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
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I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
wow
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.