Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I have obtained a hat
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.