Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
This rocks
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.