WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.