Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You Might Also Like
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
fly smarter, not harder
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I think I’m having a stroke
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids