Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.