Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I just tested negative for patience.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”