me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope