[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
i’m sure it’s fine
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Thrilling chase underway
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.