The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
We are the people our parents warned us about.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.