Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
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Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen