Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
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“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?