a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Who’s your best friend?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.