Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
my astrological sign is a french fry
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.