I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.