The 6 types of sex
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I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.