Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
any last words?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.