[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Selfie
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
awesome draft from months ago i just found
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
groan^2
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.