Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.