People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Nomnomnomnom
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok