Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
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[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy