As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Autocorrect completely socks
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.