If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing