People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.