I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.