Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
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I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
birds and squirrels envy us
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My life in a nutshell
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day