Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Something Saturday.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.